go big or go home

i know you loved her more than anything. i know you wanted her life to be as amazing at it could be. i know that you struggled. i know that you fought.

i know that you lost..... but at least you fought.

i thought about you last night.

i fought for you last night.

i cried for you last night.

in a normal state of mind i will never understand. how idiotic for someone to say your actions were selfish. they obviously didn't know you. even though those of us who were close to you know you were acting selflessly, we still wish you were here fighting...

one thing i kept hearing during the Out of the Darkness walk was "Go big or go home!... thats what Jamie would have said!" it finally hit me...

you felt like you could no longer go big, so you went home.

btw, i used a head-light all weekend while camping in memory of you and i now have a sheetz mug too... but only one.

-h.e.a.r.t-

take my heart from me it's broken anyway

i've never longed for something so much as i did you

my love was like a letter stamped and mailed return to sender

because dreams never do come true

than thou

your judging eyes fall like dust at feet

my shoes of freedom tread

shower me with hateful speech

my umbrella strong held over head

your actions soar like pointed darts

thrown carelessly into night

my barrier of steel and brawn

holds strong, firm and right

your thoughts have pierced the side of soul

warm blood drips down the shank

your hands and fingers strewn with splinters

from the tussle with your plank

get loud.

i just got home from band practice and still feel like crap. i've been coughing for the last two days and haven't been sleeping well. although i have been able to catch up on a few movies i've wanted to watch. like "It Might Get Loud" with Jack White, Jimmy Page and The Edge.

it was quite intriguing to see the three different backgrounds and how each guitarist had developed their sound through different inspirations. the opening scene is one of my favorites in the entire documentary. Jack White is on the porch of an old farmhouse with several boards, nails, coke bottle and an amplifier. he hammers two nails into a small 2x4, one at each end and stretches a wire between them. he then nails a small block under the string and wedges the coke bottle under the string and against one of the nails. one more nail to hold the pickup in place and its time to plug it in. the amplifier hums once it is clicked on and Jack begins to play slide on a single stringed 2x4. after several licks he takes a drag from his cigarette and clicks off the amp and says, "who says you need to buy a guitar?" (click here to watch vid)

Jack White is all about bare bones music. don't let the instruments get in the way of the feeling. where as The Edge, from the band U2, is enveloped in how much he can manipulate a guitar tone to be exactly what he wants. Not saying either one is better than the other or even that one is right and one wrong. however i find myself more so in agreement with Jack White. how much feeling can your music portray with simply the bare necessities? i think we can get lost in the production of it all and drown the emotion of the song.

take a deep breath

there have been many changes lately. some for better, some not. i recently started a new job at Clean Tide Container in Clarkston, MI. basic shop work. however i am in a decent position. don't make a whole lot of money and come home exhausted each night. i basically make sure everything and everybody on the floor work properly. if numbers don't get met by the end of the day... my ass is on the line. most of the day im on the fork truck unloading/loading trucks and organizing the flow of the shop. my boss is a bit frustrating. he has some different ideas that come out of left field. i try to keep him grounded as much as possible. the vice president comes by every once and a while and i can tell he is happy i am there. (because he told me that) we think in the same way. there is a promising long-term future here.... however im not sure i want JUST this. i want more from life. i want to do something greater. i want to feel more satisfaction at the end of the day. at least i have my music.

rainbows...

took all i had when you left me in this state

my head on my pillow, made your escape

woke up to a bad dream where you weren't what you seemed

rainbows are fairytales we read in the rain

coat your lips with my blood and oil

kiss the ground where you piss the soil

if it were up to me, i would never care to breathe

rainbows are lies we tell in the rain

i hate...

i hate myself. i hate the decisions i've made. i hate how i look. i hate the fact that i hate myself. i hate that i smoke. i hate that i didn't know what i wanted to do with my life until just recently. i hate that i am not 100% sure if thats what i want to do for a career. i hate that i never took voice lessons. i hate that i can't afford the music stuff i want. i hate michigan winters. i hate that i have white hairs. i hate going to sleep alone every night. i hate not being happy. i hate feeling like an unaccomplished loser. i hate to talk to people who have their lives 'together'. i hate crying. i hate not having a family. i hate how much time i've wasted. i hate how i know i'll waste even more year after year. i hate that i'd rather play a video game instead of read a book. i hate that i have to learn by doing, instead of just thinking. i hate that i feel i am stupid. i hate getting up in the morning. i hate that i dread going to bed because then the morning gets here faster. i hate being tired all day because i stay up too late. i hate that i can't figure out a way to be or come up with "the next big idea or thing" and make money just by being or doing that. i hate looking in the mirror. i hate my clothes. i hate that i can't be organized no matter how hard i try or pretend i am. i hate that i let people down. i hate that im stubborn. i hate .......