December 31, 2009

the cleavers.

lately my mind wanders. i have dreams. visions of smiling children running through a house everyday at 5:45pm. excited to see daddy for the first time that day. the little girl wants nothing more than to tell him how she made it to the end of the monkey bars on the playground and to give him the crayon portrait of him. beard and all. the little boy forces his tiny hand into an oversized leather ball glove and asks his hero to play catch with him after dinner. walking into the kitchen he places the crayola art on the refrigerator and deeply inhales the smell of a roast with carrots and potatoes. at the stove she stands. in a dirty apron, hair unkempt and more beautiful than ever. he wraps his arms around her and buries his face into her hair. mmmm... closing his eyes for a brief second imagining heaven. i love you escapes his lips in a whisper as she turns to him. kiss. and at 6pm his day has just begun.

fantasies. dreams. wishes. desires. they keep me company for a short while and are too quickly swept away by reality. the reality of a promise i made to myself to never fall in love ever again. i simply cannot deal with the hurt, pain and frustration.

a girl. she comes around for a short time and disappears. the first time she came back around i felt flattered. a week into it she disappears. ignores me. nine months later she comes around again. in the ten seconds it takes to respond to a text i have already forgotten how she disappeared the first time. two days later, she's gone again. why the hell do i do this? why do i allow her back in? what about that promise i made? why do i turn my back on it so quickly? if she comes back again will i be a fool a third time? i have let go of more important people so why hold on to her? is it because of my visions of aprons and crayon art?