the cleavers.

lately my mind wanders. i have dreams. visions of smiling children running through a house everyday at 5:45pm. excited to see daddy for the first time that day. the little girl wants nothing more than to tell him how she made it to the end of the monkey bars on the playground and to give him the crayon portrait of him. beard and all. the little boy forces his tiny hand into an oversized leather ball glove and asks his hero to play catch with him after dinner. walking into the kitchen he places the crayola art on the refrigerator and deeply inhales the smell of a roast with carrots and potatoes. at the stove she stands. in a dirty apron, hair unkempt and more beautiful than ever. he wraps his arms around her and buries his face into her hair. mmmm... closing his eyes for a brief second imagining heaven. i love you escapes his lips in a whisper as she turns to him. kiss. and at 6pm his day has just begun.

fantasies. dreams. wishes. desires. they keep me company for a short while and are too quickly swept away by reality. the reality of a promise i made to myself to never fall in love ever again. i simply cannot deal with the hurt, pain and frustration.

a girl. she comes around for a short time and disappears. the first time she came back around i felt flattered. a week into it she disappears. ignores me. nine months later she comes around again. in the ten seconds it takes to respond to a text i have already forgotten how she disappeared the first time. two days later, she's gone again. why the hell do i do this? why do i allow her back in? what about that promise i made? why do i turn my back on it so quickly? if she comes back again will i be a fool a third time? i have let go of more important people so why hold on to her? is it because of my visions of aprons and crayon art?

A Christmas Story

tuesday morning

this is Sparta, MI.

i had received an assignment to work a case that i had done before in Sparta, MI. in perfect conditions the drive one way is 2.5 hrs. so i set my alarm for 7am so i'd be on the road by 7:15am and arrive shortly before 10am.

walking out the front door to my condo i remembered that my assignment said:

Start Time - 9:00am.

...damn

the first 40 minutes of my sojourn were the worst. stop n go on 696. had to stop for gas and walked into the station. heading straight for the 2 hr old pots of coffee i heard a soft voice, "good morning!" i looked over my shoulder and threw out a, "good morning to...... you..." there was no one around. pouring a cup of crazy i began to think i was going coffee. on approaching the counter i found her sitting on the floor behind the register. the attendant that is. young, lively, glasses, pony tail, and a smile. paid for my dark roast and fuel and continued on my way.

i hope Melissa had a nice day... i think she did.

feeling badly about myself for running late i called into headquarters. the start time on the assignment was incorrect. it was supposed to say 10am. i arrive on site at 10am and begin the waiting game. 8 hrs later my waiting is over. yes... i sat in one spot in my truck watching the front door to a house for 8 hrs straight. i think you either have to be SUPER patient for this job, or just straight up coffee. the sky now the color of my dark roast as i begin my trip back home. things were just dandy, until it started to rain and drivers got stupid. why does logic leave when the bad weather comes?

its as if people accidentally turn on the "idiot" while looking for the wipers controls.

decided to call mom. talked about a few important things and got me thinking again. i absolutely love my mom and do not blame the following on her whatsoever.

a phrase i've been hearing a lot lately. well, maybe its not that i hear it more than usual but just that i've been noticing it even more lately. "i live life with no regrets." if you don't regret anything you've ever done then you must be a perfect human being putting Mother Teresa to shame. either that or you are one of those spoiled brats on Mtv's "Sweet Sixteen" who think their poop should have its own rolls royce for smelling so good. if you have a soul, you have regrets. if you have any feelings at all, you have regrets. if you are human, you should have at least one moment where you should have reacted, acted, decided, or said something different.

regrets are like an arranged marriage,

you didn't want them but they are here to stay

and you have to learn to live with them.

i have several things i regret. not trivial things like, "man, i really regret getting extra beans in my burrito!" i mean with big things. regrets have been the fulcrum of my frequent frustration. "mike, are you still there?" mom asked over the phone, because i had suddenly become very sad again and hadn't said anything for a while. i quickly ended the conversation. where is the line that separates "do better next time" from "the damage is done, you're screwed"? i have a hard time knowing how to organize my regrets into the "lesson learned" bin and have a surplus of "lesson over" bins.

my regrets haunt me like the monster under my bed.

putting it out there...

i must write about the last half of this "less than epic" day.

my mother has been using a lot of text messaging lately. weird at first but totally cool now. even if she sends me "can you stop by sometime tongue or tomorrow?" T9 can be skittish sometimes... proof-reading is a good friend. anyways, she sent me a text that a co-worker of hers named Liz is hosting an open mic night at the Wellington Pub in Troy, and that Breach should stop in and jam. i asked the boys and we decided to go. dom came to the condo to burn an hour before heading over there.

i always enjoy our conversations.

im not sure he understands how much they mean to me.

there is a reason we have been very close friends for 7 or 8 years.

we got to the pub and gave a round of greetings to liz and her band before claiming our seats at the bar. liz and her guitarist played several songs and offered for us to do a few. we waited till mike showed up and decided to jump into the "music go round". "josie's on a vacation far away...." "damn, this is high" i thought to myself. "come around and talk it over.." "yes... high indeed" again to myself. the guitar was in standard tuning, while my voice had been chilling in the basement of my register all day.

Journey's "any way you want it" for song #2? why not.

people enjoyed our music and for that short moment... while lost in the songs, i was happy.

off the record.. on the floor

i got up for work at 7:30. drove 2.25 hrs to my case. grabbed my video camera to take an opening shot and the battery was off of it. replaced battery, and had to reset all the settings on the camera since it resets when the battery is removed. popped in a tape to take opening shot and got a flashing error from cam that my video head is dirty. used cleaning tape #1... didn't work. used cleaning tape #2... didn't work. drove to CVS to get new cleaner. didn't have it. drove to wal-mart. no good. drove to a radio shack... that didn't exist. ended up using both tapes and ran them both all the way through. somehow it worked. (which is bad for the camera, so says the instructions on the tapes) drove back to my case. missed my subject arriving at his location. . . . . then i waited. . . . . subject exits and walks to an area where i have no way to pick him up. spot check his address, no good. check a second address... no good. finally get a good address and there is no place to sit and watch and wait. break off and drive 2.25 hrs home.

i want to nap, but cannot.

some time tonight, i have to take my shitty amount of shitty video to the office and write up notes about it. planning on meeting up with mike and dom to sit in on a few songs at open mic at Wellington Pub in Troy. we'll see what happens.

i have to drive my ass out to Sparta tomorrow (another 2.5 hrs away)

and hopefully follow the right person around for 8hrs.

i look forward to my next date with the corner table at Starbucks.