October 28, 2011

but what does it all mean, basil?

"Where did you go you stupid thing?", i stammered as i frantically began to search under and behind all the furniture in my room.

i love sleeping.  there are many nights where i don't sleep very well even though i am tired and worn out from the day's activities.  other days i can sleep in for hours and wake up feeling more tired than i did when i fell asleep.  falling asleep with someone in my arms is one of the best feelings in the world.  breathing rhythmically as we fall asleep and waking up hoping the other person doesn't smell our breath before we brush.

now i'd like you to think about some of the dreams you have had throughout your life.  we all have those weird ones that we have remembered over the years because they were so abstract.  maybe you remember dreams that involved significant people in your life.  have you ever had a dream about someone who has passed away?  it is very interesting to experience a dream like that.  most of my dreams of passed family members are as if they were simply in the background and i have had a few where they have talked to me about something.  waking up was a weird feeling.  i have laid in bed for an hour after waking up, simply trying to remember the entire conversation in the dream and interpreting what it meant.  it is quite interesting to say the least.

what about a recurring dream?  stop reading for a second and think about what it was, who or what was in it and where it takes place.  now don't go assuming im a dream interpreter or that i follow all of that stuff, however i do believe that our minds are very complex and capable of great things.  when we are asleep our minds are free to roam and explore the infinity that is our imagination.

almost 11years ago, when i was 18yrs old, i had my first "encounter" with this dream.

i woke up suddenly with the feeling that something was on my chest.  like a small weight of some sort.  as i moved to sit up something scurried off of me and crawled up the wall disappearing into the dark corner of the ceiling.  i thought it was a weird experience and went back to sleep shortly thereafter.  i do not remember the second time it happened or what the date was but i know it was the exact same experience.  the third time it happened the creature crawled across the wall and down to the floor instead of up toward the ceiling.  i quickly jumped out of bed and turned on my light."Where did you go you stupid thing?", i stammered as i frantically began to search under and behind all the furniture in my room.  i had grown tired of the same dream and waking up feeling this hand sized spider like creature on top of my chest and face.

i had looked up many interpretations of dreams involving spiders and apparently there are quite a lot of people who have spider dreams and even recurring spider dreams.  most of the websites out there say that a dream about spiders on your body mean that there is a strong fear in your life at the moment.  when the spider is on your face it shows that you are feeling complacent and afraid of making big changes in life.

this makes a lot of sense with me.

not that i remember exactly where my life was when i had each of these dreams but i know i've had it about 16 or so times.  so i've decided the next time i have that dream again i will take a moment and write down where i am in life and what my emotions are.  it may take a handful of years to see a pattern but it would be interesting to say the least.

October 27, 2011

never take friendship personal

one of the reasons why i haven't blogged in a while is because i knew exactly what i needed to write about and i have been dreading it.  this blog will be difficult for me to write.  i recently lost a friend of mine.  we were best friends for the past nine years and had been through thick and thin together.  we shared the same passions in life and knew each other better than anyone else could.  we cried together and laughed all the time.  he was somebody that i would have died for if need be.  i had defended him at all costs and trusted him with my life.  it breaks my heart to say that i have lost him.  don't worry he isn't dead, he destroyed our friendship.

i have always had the idea that i have surrounded myself with trustworthy people.  i put up plenty of barriers between others and myself and don't really need another reason to put up more.  these walls have caused many hard times in my relationships with girls as well.  i am a frustrating individual.  i know that.  that is why it means SO much when i allow you beyond those walls.  it is quite the risk for me.  it's like a roll of the dice with the rest of your money on the line.  i don't want people to be able to shake my world up, i don't want them to have that power, that control over me.  it scares me to be honest with you.  i only have one heart and would prefer it to stay in one piece for as long as possible.

i always thought that i chose decent girls to date.  in fact i don't just let anyone into my life.  sure i have many female acquaintances but very few who REALLY know me emotionally.  being vulnerable scares me.  so girls, if you ever get beyond my emotional walls it means i truly trust you.

several weeks ago i discovered that my best friend of nine years had slept with my ex-girlfriend (while we were dating).  a friend of mine had told me a few things to watch out for and i denied it and defended my best friend.  because that's what best friends do.  even though this person had a pretty valid point i stuck up for my best friend and said that i would trust him with my life.  because that's what best friends do.  a few weeks had passed and i had this feeling in my stomach.  i just knew something was weird so i asked my ex-girlfriend over chat, and it all came out in the wash.  i confronted my ex-best friend over text (for fear of going to jail for assault if i saw him in person).  sure enough, he admitted to it.  he kept apologizing saying, "it was an addiction that i kicked in july.  i can honestly say i am free from it."  i wasn't aware that betrayal was an addiction.  nine years of my life wasted on someone who would betray me for a few "rounds" with my girlfriend at the time.  not to mention my girlfriend... classy dame she turned out to be.  young and stupid i guess.  ugh.... it sucks because even though we weren't dating i still cared for her as a person.  not so much any more. that's just something i never thought would happen to me.  my girlfriend cheating?  that would never happen to me!  my best friend betraying me?  that would never happen to me!  both of them happening at the same time???? HA!

well thank you ex-best friend and ex-girlfriend for strengthening my emotional barriers THAT much more.  thank you for making it THAT much more difficult for the next girlfriend and friends who have to work even harder to gain my trust.  thank you for showing me that those closest to me can't be trusted at all.

wednesday morning i flew from pittsburgh to chicago and i slept most of the flight.  well, all except for the five minutes i was fighting tears while the thought of losing my best friend this way haunted my mind.  it is not as frequent as it used to be but im not sure it will ever go away.  i've never been so broken as i was that day.  it just hurt.  i am moving on.  i have forgiven both of them but removed them from my life.  i don't care what they are doing these days or for the rest of their lives.  i hope i never see them again and wish we didn't have the same friends.

i truly have lost most of my trust in other people.  sorry if i come off rude or cold.... that's just the way it will be for a while.

thanks, friend... thanks for wasting nine years of my life.