October 27, 2011

never take friendship personal

one of the reasons why i haven't blogged in a while is because i knew exactly what i needed to write about and i have been dreading it.  this blog will be difficult for me to write.  i recently lost a friend of mine.  we were best friends for the past nine years and had been through thick and thin together.  we shared the same passions in life and knew each other better than anyone else could.  we cried together and laughed all the time.  he was somebody that i would have died for if need be.  i had defended him at all costs and trusted him with my life.  it breaks my heart to say that i have lost him.  don't worry he isn't dead, he destroyed our friendship.

i have always had the idea that i have surrounded myself with trustworthy people.  i put up plenty of barriers between others and myself and don't really need another reason to put up more.  these walls have caused many hard times in my relationships with girls as well.  i am a frustrating individual.  i know that.  that is why it means SO much when i allow you beyond those walls.  it is quite the risk for me.  it's like a roll of the dice with the rest of your money on the line.  i don't want people to be able to shake my world up, i don't want them to have that power, that control over me.  it scares me to be honest with you.  i only have one heart and would prefer it to stay in one piece for as long as possible.

i always thought that i chose decent girls to date.  in fact i don't just let anyone into my life.  sure i have many female acquaintances but very few who REALLY know me emotionally.  being vulnerable scares me.  so girls, if you ever get beyond my emotional walls it means i truly trust you.

several weeks ago i discovered that my best friend of nine years had slept with my ex-girlfriend (while we were dating).  a friend of mine had told me a few things to watch out for and i denied it and defended my best friend.  because that's what best friends do.  even though this person had a pretty valid point i stuck up for my best friend and said that i would trust him with my life.  because that's what best friends do.  a few weeks had passed and i had this feeling in my stomach.  i just knew something was weird so i asked my ex-girlfriend over chat, and it all came out in the wash.  i confronted my ex-best friend over text (for fear of going to jail for assault if i saw him in person).  sure enough, he admitted to it.  he kept apologizing saying, "it was an addiction that i kicked in july.  i can honestly say i am free from it."  i wasn't aware that betrayal was an addiction.  nine years of my life wasted on someone who would betray me for a few "rounds" with my girlfriend at the time.  not to mention my girlfriend... classy dame she turned out to be.  young and stupid i guess.  ugh.... it sucks because even though we weren't dating i still cared for her as a person.  not so much any more. that's just something i never thought would happen to me.  my girlfriend cheating?  that would never happen to me!  my best friend betraying me?  that would never happen to me!  both of them happening at the same time???? HA!

well thank you ex-best friend and ex-girlfriend for strengthening my emotional barriers THAT much more.  thank you for making it THAT much more difficult for the next girlfriend and friends who have to work even harder to gain my trust.  thank you for showing me that those closest to me can't be trusted at all.

wednesday morning i flew from pittsburgh to chicago and i slept most of the flight.  well, all except for the five minutes i was fighting tears while the thought of losing my best friend this way haunted my mind.  it is not as frequent as it used to be but im not sure it will ever go away.  i've never been so broken as i was that day.  it just hurt.  i am moving on.  i have forgiven both of them but removed them from my life.  i don't care what they are doing these days or for the rest of their lives.  i hope i never see them again and wish we didn't have the same friends.

i truly have lost most of my trust in other people.  sorry if i come off rude or cold.... that's just the way it will be for a while.

thanks, friend... thanks for wasting nine years of my life.

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