November 22, 2010


lets go down to the water

lets all go down and pray

lets go down to the water

lets all go down and pray

well, there's blood in that water, that'll wash your sorrows away

lets go down to the water

and drink all that we can

lets go down to that water

and drink all that we can

you'll get drunk on that water, and come out a better man

lets go down to the water

lets all go there to drown

lets go down to the water

lets all go there to drown

you'll feel alive in that water, as you're sinking down

lets go down to the water

lets all go down to die

lets go down to the water

lets all go down to die

lets go down to that water, and kiss this dry life goodbye.

an old friend came to visit today.

lately i have been haunted by an old friend who is uglier than any monster in a movie or under your bed.

he never comes to visit me alone. he always seems to be hanging out with one of his two best friends and always over stays his welcome. he can show up anywhere at any time. his uncanny ability to drop in and ruin a good time is truly something. during his stay with me he keeps me up at night talking about all the decisions i've made in the past. he constantly nags me about each one because he knows them intimately. he should, he was there for every single experience. he likes to see me cry.

a horrible friend Frustration is.

November 16, 2010

Let Us Down Easy, Lord

in all my life, mercy
hasn't known my name this well
like how every sea filters out
and leads us gently to a creek
we sit around

some of us are strong
but the rest of us are weak
so let us down
but if you must

let us down easy lord
let us down easy lord
let us down

in patches of pink clouds, thick smoke
it comes rising off them hillside slopes
down here in this neighborhood
it's the dumps
with cars iced up, perfect for writing on if
you're wearing gloves

every season i spend alone
feels like a thousand to my heart and in my soul
so let me down if you must

but let us down
easy lord, let us down easy
lord if you let us down

instead of praying i tell god these jokes
he must be tired of himself so much
he must be more than disappointed christmas comes we eat alone
a pretty smile surrounds a pretty girl
who takes your order she yells it and cries alone in
the backroom once in a while until it stops
so let her down easy if you must

but let her down easy

some of us are strong
but the rest of us are weak
and go it alone
so let us down easy if you must
but let us down easy, lord
let us down easy lord, let us down
let us down, easy

Ryan Adams and the Cardinals
"Let Us Down Easy"

November 10, 2010

how do YOU know?

if i can only name one thing that will most likely kill me, it would be uncertainty. i've never known what i wanted to do with my life and have always felt inferior to my friends who seem to be heading in a certain direction. how did they decide they wanted to be a fire fighter, EMT, cop, pastor, chiropractor, marine biologist and so on. what if they got it wrong? do they simply stick with it and make it work because that's what they chose?

"Oh well, i don't have an option now, i have to just stick with it."

i fear that feeling. feeling trapped in my own decision when in reality i am trapped in the LACK of a decision. it binds my hands and feet every day. i dwell on an idea for a short time and begin to develop reason after reason for why i should not make that choice.


most of my friends new exactly what they wanted to do when they were still in high school. they were progressing in certain classes because those would help in the field they chose. i just wanted school to be over. it was the worst time of my life so far. HANDS DOWN! high school didn't prepare me for anything. what a complete waste of my time and my parents money.


it's time to "shit or get off the pot". i'm going to roll the dice and do something drastic. i can no longer sit around and wait for the "RIGHT DECISION" to pop into my head. i have to do it. even if i do make a decision, and the "shit hits the fan", oh well!


i've never been more uncertain about anything in life then my career.... and i hate it. i truly, hate it. i cannot say it enough. i am so frustrated. it can work me to tears sometimes.

stupid life.... i hate the inevitable parts of you.

September 26, 2010

go big or go home

i know you loved her more than anything. i know you wanted her life to be as amazing at it could be. i know that you struggled. i know that you fought.

i know that you lost..... but at least you fought.

i thought about you last night.

i fought for you last night.

i cried for you last night.

in a normal state of mind i will never understand. how idiotic for someone to say your actions were selfish. they obviously didn't know you. even though those of us who were close to you know you were acting selflessly, we still wish you were here fighting...

one thing i kept hearing during the Out of the Darkness walk was "Go big or go home!... thats what Jamie would have said!" it finally hit me...

you felt like you could no longer go big, so you went home.

btw, i used a head-light all weekend while camping in memory of you and i now have a sheetz mug too... but only one.

July 15, 2010


take my heart from me it's broken anyway
i've never longed for something so much as i did you
my love was like a letter stamped and mailed return to sender
because dreams never do come true

May 24, 2010

than thou

your judging eyes fall like dust at feet
my shoes of freedom tread
shower me with hateful speech
my umbrella strong held over head
your actions soar like pointed darts
thrown carelessly into night
my barrier of steel and brawn
holds strong, firm and right
your thoughts have pierced the side of soul
warm blood drips down the shank
your hands and fingers strewn with splinters
from the tussle with your plank

May 23, 2010

get loud.

i just got home from band practice and still feel like crap. i've been coughing for the last two days and haven't been sleeping well. although i have been able to catch up on a few movies i've wanted to watch. like "It Might Get Loud" with Jack White, Jimmy Page and The Edge.

it was quite intriguing to see the three different backgrounds and how each guitarist had developed their sound through different inspirations. the opening scene is one of my favorites in the entire documentary. Jack White is on the porch of an old farmhouse with several boards, nails, coke bottle and an amplifier. he hammers two nails into a small 2x4, one at each end and stretches a wire between them. he then nails a small block under the string and wedges the coke bottle under the string and against one of the nails. one more nail to hold the pickup in place and its time to plug it in. the amplifier hums once it is clicked on and Jack begins to play slide on a single stringed 2x4. after several licks he takes a drag from his cigarette and clicks off the amp and says, "who says you need to buy a guitar?" (click here to watch vid)

Jack White is all about bare bones music. don't let the instruments get in the way of the feeling. where as The Edge, from the band U2, is enveloped in how much he can manipulate a guitar tone to be exactly what he wants. Not saying either one is better than the other or even that one is right and one wrong. however i find myself more so in agreement with Jack White. how much feeling can your music portray with simply the bare necessities? i think we can get lost in the production of it all and drown the emotion of the song.

May 22, 2010

take a deep breath

there have been many changes lately. some for better, some not. i recently started a new job at Clean Tide Container in Clarkston, MI. basic shop work. however i am in a decent position. don't make a whole lot of money and come home exhausted each night. i basically make sure everything and everybody on the floor work properly. if numbers don't get met by the end of the day... my ass is on the line. most of the day im on the fork truck unloading/loading trucks and organizing the flow of the shop. my boss is a bit frustrating. he has some different ideas that come out of left field. i try to keep him grounded as much as possible. the vice president comes by every once and a while and i can tell he is happy i am there. (because he told me that) we think in the same way. there is a promising long-term future here.... however im not sure i want JUST this. i want more from life. i want to do something greater. i want to feel more satisfaction at the end of the day. at least i have my music.

January 11, 2010


took all i had when you left me in this state
my head on my pillow, made your escape
woke up to a bad dream where you weren't what you seemed
rainbows are fairytales we read in the rain

coat your lips with my blood and oil
kiss the ground where you piss the soil
if it were up to me, i would never care to breathe
rainbows are lies we tell in the rain

January 10, 2010

i hate...

i hate myself. i hate the decisions i've made. i hate how i look. i hate the fact that i hate myself. i hate that i smoke. i hate that i didn't know what i wanted to do with my life until just recently. i hate that i am not 100% sure if thats what i want to do for a career. i hate that i never took voice lessons. i hate that i can't afford the music stuff i want. i hate michigan winters. i hate that i have white hairs. i hate going to sleep alone every night. i hate not being happy. i hate feeling like an unaccomplished loser. i hate to talk to people who have their lives 'together'. i hate crying. i hate not having a family. i hate how much time i've wasted. i hate how i know i'll waste even more year after year. i hate that i'd rather play a video game instead of read a book. i hate that i have to learn by doing, instead of just thinking. i hate that i feel i am stupid. i hate getting up in the morning. i hate that i dread going to bed because then the morning gets here faster. i hate being tired all day because i stay up too late. i hate that i can't figure out a way to be or come up with "the next big idea or thing" and make money just by being or doing that. i hate looking in the mirror. i hate my clothes. i hate that i can't be organized no matter how hard i try or pretend i am. i hate that i let people down. i hate that im stubborn. i hate .......

January 5, 2010

i've got a notion.. a preconceived one.

looking over my coffee cup and through the window i watched it all unfold. boom. an older model jetta had collided with a F-150. the jetta was backing out of a parking space and only looking one direction as he backed out. he did not see the F-150 coming from the other direction. the F-150 was driving quite fast, and the wrong direction through the Starbucks drive-thru. they both parked their vehicles and argued with each other using over-exaggerated arm motions. they had exchanged information and ten minutes later were on their way. obviously news of this had spread throughout the coffee-shop and people started offering their opinions as to who was at fault. a cute skinny blonde employee was not shy about her feelings and expressed several times that, "the shitty jetta" was at fault. even though the brand new F-150 was breaking two laws at the time. speeding and driving the wrong way through a drive-thru wide enough for one vehicle. for some reason the stupid, now not-so-cute employee had something against the jetta because it was old and beat to crap. this amazed me. what is this world coming to? how has our world view changed so much that we take innocent people and throw them under the bus? place blame upon them. all because of appearances.

this is my transition into the music industry....

vocal tuning has been around since the very late nineties. the ability to correct the pitch of a sung note. when you turn this correction up to a higher setting, you get the robotic tone while switching notes i.e. cher's "do you believe in life after love", kid rock's "only god knows why", and most of t-payne's songs on the radio today. at first this technology was used very little, in fact the whole purpose of it was to use it in moderation so that you can correct tiny flaws in your vocal track. it tightens up harmonies quite well. the technology has progressed over the past 10yrs and now you simply have to sing somewhere near the note desired and the program will 'bump' your note to the correct note. this technology is now widely used in live performances as well. you don't have to have any musical talent to be a singer anymore. thus shifting all the attention away from ability to appearances.

how good do you look on stage? will your image sell?

i just searched "judge a book by its cover" in Google Images.. guess what was on the first page?

please watch this video, and when susan replies to simons question of, "what is your dream?" there is a fantastic expression from a girl in the audience wearing a blue shirt at 1:23.

until now, the pitch-correcting was limited to a single note in a single track. the german based company, Melodyne introduced this technology 10yrs ago and have come quite a long way since then. they are now releasing a new version where you can take a recorded piano or guitar chord and break down each individual note that is played... even if they are played at the same time. it can distinguish each individual note and move them wherever you want them to be. you could simply strum the guitar one time... and copy and paste that recording a couple hundred times and move each individual note to form different chords. did you hear me?? you don't even have to know how to play the guitar! if you form the wrong chord or hit a wrong note in a piano concerto you don't have to go back and re-record the track, simply bump the sour note to the correct place. mark my words, the music industry will be changing tremendously in the next five years. and not for the better. the music industry is already all about image and not about musical talent.

where will this end up? how far can we continue like this?

no longer do the majority of us care about the inside. its all about our outsides. our.... covers. i remember the one and only time i purchased a book because of the title and how it looked. it was titled, "Why Men Don't Want to go to Church". its not that good of a book... at all. i don't go to church anymore and i don't relate to most of what the book says. but thats what i get for not finding out what's on the inside. its the same with people. we all have initial reactions when we first see someone. he's dirty and unshaven, has holes in his clothes. he must be homeless, or really poor. she's driving a mercedes, wearing D&G sunglasses, with a prada purse over her shoulder. she must be rich and have her life together. who would you sit next to in the restaurant? who would you hold the door open for? i do it too... and i hate myself for it. unless we change the way we view people, we will always have this social tier system in our brains. i think it all boils down to being closed-minded. i am the biggest victim of this horrible disease. i do it with music, movies, and sadly... people. there are few times when i throw away my preconceived notion and find i enjoy things much more when i do. i also find that people don't get frustrated with me as much... go figure...

something i will be working on until i die.... bare with me