November 10, 2010

how do YOU know?

if i can only name one thing that will most likely kill me, it would be uncertainty. i've never known what i wanted to do with my life and have always felt inferior to my friends who seem to be heading in a certain direction. how did they decide they wanted to be a fire fighter, EMT, cop, pastor, chiropractor, marine biologist and so on. what if they got it wrong? do they simply stick with it and make it work because that's what they chose?

"Oh well, i don't have an option now, i have to just stick with it."

i fear that feeling. feeling trapped in my own decision when in reality i am trapped in the LACK of a decision. it binds my hands and feet every day. i dwell on an idea for a short time and begin to develop reason after reason for why i should not make that choice.


most of my friends new exactly what they wanted to do when they were still in high school. they were progressing in certain classes because those would help in the field they chose. i just wanted school to be over. it was the worst time of my life so far. HANDS DOWN! high school didn't prepare me for anything. what a complete waste of my time and my parents money.


it's time to "shit or get off the pot". i'm going to roll the dice and do something drastic. i can no longer sit around and wait for the "RIGHT DECISION" to pop into my head. i have to do it. even if i do make a decision, and the "shit hits the fan", oh well!


i've never been more uncertain about anything in life then my career.... and i hate it. i truly, hate it. i cannot say it enough. i am so frustrated. it can work me to tears sometimes.

stupid life.... i hate the inevitable parts of you.


  1. I know it's difficult putting yourself out there at times. But as you said to me a couple years ago at Elevate, "It's good to see honesty". Believe me Mike, when I say that you and I have been sailing in the same boat. As I've read through your other blogs, I can not help but identify with exactly what you've said. There have been many times I have laid in bed at night asking myself "WHAT am I doing?, What am I to become? and Why when I think about my future and what I want to do, does my world suddenly haze over. As you have said, we have friends that have made that decision in confidence. They KNOW what they want to do, and they do so confidently. I find myself envious, and frustrated at the same time. It's not easy walking around in a thick haze when those close to you are seeing a clear world full of sunshine.

    I hate myself at times as well. While I know certain decisions make us who we are, I hate the fact that I've made stupid ones for 15 years. I wasted high school, my shot at college, and many years of my adult life. Maybe at points there were highlights on the way, good things I managed to pull off here and there, and maybe just maybe in all of the junk, I impacted one life. However, I feel I've yet to impact my own.

    Again, believe me when I say I share the majority of what you're going through.


    Honestly it is never too late!!! I hope you both realize that you shouldn't give up on yourselves. God wouldn't want that. A career does not define you as a person. It helps you survive in this world. Good luck with everything!

  3. sorry to sound blunt, Anon. however your link explains nothing. the article on mr. boyd fails to explain what he has done with his life. he was in the Navy, we know that. what else has he done though. an 81yr old man taking a few classes to finish his undergrad doesn't help with the dilemma of choosing a career. i am not anti schooling as much as i am anti feeling like i've made the wrong choice. i believe you misunderstood my blog. almost entirely. no where did i mention wanting to give up. in fact it portrays quite the opposite.

    on a side note, if god didn't want someone to give up on something he should give some direction instead of allowing people to live in fear of making the wrong choice and watching them roller-coast in and out of depression.

  4. I chose a career over 20 years ago and it proved to be a decision that I would later regret. Now here I am 41 years old and completely lost and alone. What I I sit here day after day unemployed and trying to figure out what to do with my life, with absolutely no idea in mind. I share a house with 3 others and yet I feel completely alone with no one to talk to about my crazy thoughts or emotions. So here we are Mike at different points in our lives going through the same ol issues. We both REALLY know the answers to the questions that plague us, but we get clouded in our vision of our path ahead. Whether it be through the most popular ways of self medicating or prescribed medicating; or putting blinders on an trip through life's journey. When its time to make a decision on which way to go on our own personal journey all we can do is have faith and carry on. Even as I write this I wish I could buy into my own words. Be happy with what you have not what you don't.

  5. the whole point of the link was to say that no matter how old you get, you can still accomplish something.It was in response to your quote,
    "Oh well, i don't have an option now, i have to just stick with it."

    It was meant to be encouraging. I wasn't trying to make the point that you were giving up on yourself... just that you might not know now and to not give up searching. and the point about God. Well I think God shows us everyday what direction we can take. BUT he also gives us our own mind to make decisions. In the instance of temptation.. just because I might be tempted by something or someone, I could choose to ignore it or fall into temptation. In the end I chose for myself. I feel that you have instilled that fear upon yourself with making a decision about your career. a wise person once told me that you can't let fears control your everyday life. I guess I have learned that in order to get around the depression or fears, you fake it until you make it! ha.

    Anyway, I am interested to see the path you end up at. I hope when you do roll the dice, that you don't become a gambler! haha.jk,. But honestly, what is the drastic action ??

  6. Oh Mike, I just discovered your blog a few days ago. . . and it's scary how many of your posts I feel like I could have written (minus the difference in writing styles). I know exactly how you feel. And just about every path I've taken in this area I've changed my mind. *sigh*
    Best of luck!

  7. best of luck to you as well, cousin!