...bigger and better?

transitions.

transitions can be fantastic.  many times in life when we are going through transitions we are changing for the better.  we have decided to leave behind a certain people, place or lifestyle for our betterment.  maybe a relationship that has lost it's glitz and glamour or simply our daily regiment of: wake up, shower, shoes, breakfast, work, home, dinner, tv, sleep etc.

transitions can be terrifying at the same time.  as we walk out of that relationship we sometimes fear if we threw away something special.  as we change our daily regiment to: wake up, breakfast, workout, shower, shoes, work, home, workout, dinner, family time, sleep, we fear that we won't hold to it.

a few weeks ago i met up with an old friend.  we used to be best friends and played in Semper-Fi together.  we did the typical 'catching up' talk.  he asked what i did for work and if i was happy.  i responded with, "im..... content."  and he said, "that's not what i asked.  are you happy?"  so i obviously replied, "no."  he proceeded to tell me about a job opportunity that he had been offered and turned down.  explained a bit about it and asked if i were interested.  i asked him to get me more info.

the next day i got a call from a guy who wanted to explain the job offer to me.
two days later i went and visited the company and discussed some major details.
a week later i called and told him i would like to accept the job.

which puts me right smack dab in the middle of a major transition.  

a great opportunity? yes! but a frightening one at the same time.  

i am currently still working at my old job and spending random days at the new job going over different things.  this is very awkward and i wouldn't recommend it to anyone.  i wanted to give my old job as much time as possible to train and fill my position.  plus i would like to keep making money until i can start working at the new job full time in July.

the new job will be exciting.  i am very psyched about it.  i will be flying around the continental U.S. as the head a/v technician for Jackson-Dawson.  they put on events/shows for different things.  my first tour will be informative presentations for the Chevy Volt.  i will be traveling with 8-10 individuals and making these events happen flawlessly.  my new bosses are very nice and seem to have a good amount of common sense. (something my old boss seemed to lack greatly)  i have a feeling i could get used to this.

however, i still have my doubts.

what if things don't work out for some reason?  i mean, there are always chances for something to happen, right?  what if i don't "cut it"?  what if i do very well and the person above me feels threatened and wants to cut me loose?  what if i crash in a plane?  (this seriously crossed my mind)  i will be flying to three different places a month.  philly, l.a., phoenix, denver, minneapolis....

i've never been the risk taker in life for fear that shit will go sour and i'll be known as the guy who screwed up royally.  

i was watching a movie the other day and a few lines in the dialogue really jumped out at me.  the lead character was always known as a smart guy who graduated M.I.T. and was working at a movie rental store.  he never knew what he wanted to do for fear he would screw up.  he had a break-down moment while talking to his father and said, "im sorry... im sorry, im your only son... the failure!"  and his dad said, "no son, you aren't a failure at all.  because to be a failure you have to make an attempt at something.  but you haven't even done that.  you aren't even a failure... you're... worse than that."  putting aside the satire, this scene really hit me... hard.  

i can't even be a failure unless i try.

so im.......  a nothing.

this transition is me taking a step.  even if it is the wrong one in the end.  

at least im stepping toward something.

...and eat it too

this is in response to a friend's post found HERE - by: Kristen Cristino

Kristen started off asking how women have become the ones to court men instead of the old fashioned, other way around.  i personally feel that this has changed over time with the feminist movements.  i am not sexist in any way and hope that this text truly reveals my point.  the feminist movement is good in few ways and harmful in many areas that people don't think of first hand.  you can't demand a "level playing field" and be upset that males aren't still holding up their end as they did before.  remember for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.  it's either one way, or the other.  there is no way to have it both ways in this world so let us take a second to delve into this thought.

i'll start off saying that there will always be prejudice individuals.  no matter what.  just like there will always be thieves and liars.  it is the evil nature that some people cannot overcome.  i am, in no way, excusing this behavior.

the uproar for females to be treated the same as males is silly.  not because women are inferior but because they simply play different roles in life that men can't.  just the same as men play certain roles that women cannot.  we are not designed with the same physical characteristics nor thought processes.

now that women have cried out for "equal" rights and are being accepted as men are in certain situations they get confused.   no longer are the lines or boundaries defining the roles of a man or a woman.

GIRL POWER is a term that makes me laugh sometimes.  i think it's funny when a girl thinks that she can physically out perform a male.  now i know there are exceptions to every situation or rule, however lets keep it simple and stay with majorities here.  girls are physically weaker than men.  so what POWER are the girls claiming?  im sorry girls but there are things you just can not do.  AND THAT'S OKAY!  it isn't what you are designed to do.  it goes the same for the opposite side as well.  so don't feel like im attempting to suppress your accomplishments.

back to the power thing.  i think it is more so respect than power that you desire.  respect and recognition.  there is nothing wrong with respect and recognition however, both of those things are earned and requested, not demanded.

moving forward.  you are finally brought up to the same "level" as men.  you are a strong independent woman.  you don't need a man to do anything for you except open the new jar of peanut butter.

(this really happened to me.  the girl who lived in the neighboring condo knocked on my door and asked if i could open the peanut butter for her.  i did so and felt like a hero because i am a silly, strong, doofus of a man.)

lets take a look at it from a male's perspective.  hold on, it gets confusing from this side.  we have to guess how to handle certain situations.  we want to do the manly thing but at the same time wonder if we are going to get told off by a strong independent woman.  holding the door for a girl is a nice gesture.  so why bite our heads off by having the attitude of, "i don't NEED a man to do this for me.  i can open my own damn door!".

im all about the old fashioned courting methods.  if a girl that i had been seriously dating asked me to marry her....  i would be weirded out.  that is MY job as a man.  to nervously request for her hand in marriage.  to get down on one knee and lower myself below her, showing her respect and love.

i agree that the days of proper courtship have long gone, but lets dig to the root of the problem and decide to not make those mistakes again.  you can't have it both ways so stop trying to get it.  let's fully think about the repercussions of things that we want to change.  we are too short sighted and it hurts us in the long run.

...don't know jack

the main entry door to the shop i work in has been broken since we opened a year ago.  i finally received the go-ahead to purchase a new lock mechanism and swap out the old one.  this past friday, while sitting on a five gallon bucket of motor oil, i repaired the lockset.  while doing so a truck driver walked by and said, "so you're a maintenance man too, eh?"  "nope." i replied.  "i am the shop supervisor.  this just really needs to be done right now."  and he returned with, "so you're a jack of all trades and a master of none." and continued into the shop.

i've heard this a handful of times in my life and im not sure how to take it exactly.

yes it means that jack is skilled in many different areas of in everyday life.  on the other hand it also means that he hasn't mastered any of those areas.  inadequately educated in all of the areas he holds to be important in his life.  would you say a doctor is a jack of all trades or a master in his professional field?  who cares if said doctor can't change a lockset on an industrial door.  he can diagnose abnormalities in the human body.

don't get me wrong, if we didn't have locksmiths we would all have broken doors.  but isn't that locksmith the master of his field just as the doctor is a master of the medical?  not some jack who simply learned how to do it because it needed to be done.  no.  he is the master schlage, the king of the kwikset.

picture this.  you book a trip to europe and board the 747.  as your plane is being taxied to the runway a voice is heard over the intercom. "ladies and gentlemen we want to thank you for choosing to fly with us today.  our regular pilot couldn't make the trip with us but don't worry, we found someone who has done it a few times and can probably get us their safely.  please sit back and enjoy the flight."

you would be running for the emergency exits located at the front, middle and rear of the cabin.

i guess my frustration isn't in what the phrase is saying as much as it is in what the phrase ISN'T saying.  now i know that i would be hearing what i want when i start to think along those lines.  but isn't that the way it usually goes?  i think most of the time more is said by what we don't say than what we do.

when i hear someone call me a jack of all trades, master of none i feel like they are saying...

"congratulations.  you have managed to get by without really applying yourself in any one area."

maybe im being too hard on myself.  but if i weren't, who would be?  many times it is said that an artist is his own worst critic.  for me i feel that it forces me to be 100% satisfied with what i create.  but it is not always so.  i am not always satisfied with my performance and get frustrated.  being a selective perfectionist is hell

please keep your back handed compliments to yourself.

the ride

here you go again

not knowing where you'll end... up

come down from your ledge

the long way

and enjoy the ride

you and i

we're gunna ride

this out

you and i

we gotta ride

this out

they say, but don't know

the feeling of being so... low

fuck em for thinking

that they even know

how to enjoy the ride

you and i

we're gunna ride

this out

you and i

we gotta ride

this out

water

lets go down to the water

lets all go down and pray

lets go down to the water

lets all go down and pray

well, there's blood in that water, that'll wash your sorrows away

lets go down to the water

and drink all that we can

lets go down to that water

and drink all that we can

you'll get drunk on that water, and come out a better man

lets go down to the water

lets all go there to drown

lets go down to the water

lets all go there to drown

you'll feel alive in that water, as you're sinking down

lets go down to the water

lets all go down to die

lets go down to the water

lets all go down to die

lets go down to that water, and kiss this dry life goodbye.

an old friend came to visit today.

lately i have been haunted by an old friend who is uglier than any monster in a movie or under your bed.

he never comes to visit me alone. he always seems to be hanging out with one of his two best friends and always over stays his welcome. he can show up anywhere at any time. his uncanny ability to drop in and ruin a good time is truly something. during his stay with me he keeps me up at night talking about all the decisions i've made in the past. he constantly nags me about each one because he knows them intimately. he should, he was there for every single experience. he likes to see me cry.

a horrible friend Frustration is.

Let Us Down Easy, Lord

(right click - open in new tab or window - read while listening)

in all my life, mercy
hasn't known my name this well
like how every sea filters out
and leads us gently to a creek
we sit around

some of us are strong
but the rest of us are weak
so let us down
but if you must

let us down easy lord
let us down easy lord
let us down

in patches of pink clouds, thick smoke
it comes rising off them hillside slopes
down here in this neighborhood
it's the dumps
with cars iced up, perfect for writing on if
you're wearing gloves

every season i spend alone
feels like a thousand to my heart and in my soul
so let me down if you must

but let us down
easy lord, let us down easy
lord if you let us down

instead of praying i tell god these jokes

he must be tired of himself so much

he must be more than disappointed christmas comes we eat alone

a pretty smile surrounds a pretty girl

who takes your order she yells it and cries alone in
the backroom once in a while until it stops
so let her down easy if you must

but let her down easy

some of us are strong
but the rest of us are weak
and go it alone
so let us down easy if you must
but let us down easy, lord
let us down easy lord, let us down
let us down, easy

Ryan Adams and the Cardinals

"Let Us Down Easy"

Cardinology