but what does it all mean, basil?

"Where did you go you stupid thing?", i stammered as i frantically began to search under and behind all the furniture in my room.

i love sleeping.  there are many nights where i don't sleep very well even though i am tired and worn out from the day's activities.  other days i can sleep in for hours and wake up feeling more tired than i did when i fell asleep.  falling asleep with someone in my arms is one of the best feelings in the world.  breathing rhythmically as we fall asleep and waking up hoping the other person doesn't smell our breath before we brush.

now i'd like you to think about some of the dreams you have had throughout your life.  we all have those weird ones that we have remembered over the years because they were so abstract.  maybe you remember dreams that involved significant people in your life.  have you ever had a dream about someone who has passed away?  it is very interesting to experience a dream like that.  most of my dreams of passed family members are as if they were simply in the background and i have had a few where they have talked to me about something.  waking up was a weird feeling.  i have laid in bed for an hour after waking up, simply trying to remember the entire conversation in the dream and interpreting what it meant.  it is quite interesting to say the least.

what about a recurring dream?  stop reading for a second and think about what it was, who or what was in it and where it takes place.  now don't go assuming im a dream interpreter or that i follow all of that stuff, however i do believe that our minds are very complex and capable of great things.  when we are asleep our minds are free to roam and explore the infinity that is our imagination.

almost 11years ago, when i was 18yrs old, i had my first "encounter" with this dream.

i woke up suddenly with the feeling that something was on my chest.  like a small weight of some sort.  as i moved to sit up something scurried off of me and crawled up the wall disappearing into the dark corner of the ceiling.  i thought it was a weird experience and went back to sleep shortly thereafter.  i do not remember the second time it happened or what the date was but i know it was the exact same experience.  the third time it happened the creature crawled across the wall and down to the floor instead of up toward the ceiling.  i quickly jumped out of bed and turned on my light."Where did you go you stupid thing?", i stammered as i frantically began to search under and behind all the furniture in my room.  i had grown tired of the same dream and waking up feeling this hand sized spider like creature on top of my chest and face.

i had looked up many interpretations of dreams involving spiders and apparently there are quite a lot of people who have spider dreams and even recurring spider dreams.  most of the websites out there say that a dream about spiders on your body mean that there is a strong fear in your life at the moment.  when the spider is on your face it shows that you are feeling complacent and afraid of making big changes in life.

this makes a lot of sense with me.

not that i remember exactly where my life was when i had each of these dreams but i know i've had it about 16 or so times.  so i've decided the next time i have that dream again i will take a moment and write down where i am in life and what my emotions are.  it may take a handful of years to see a pattern but it would be interesting to say the least.

never take friendship personal

one of the reasons why i haven't blogged in a while is because i knew exactly what i needed to write about and i have been dreading it.  this blog will be difficult for me to write.  i recently lost a friend of mine.  we were best friends for the past nine years and had been through thick and thin together.  we shared the same passions in life and knew each other better than anyone else could.  we cried together and laughed all the time.  he was somebody that i would have died for if need be.  i had defended him at all costs and trusted him with my life.  it breaks my heart to say that i have lost him.  don't worry he isn't dead, he destroyed our friendship.

i have always had the idea that i have surrounded myself with trustworthy people.  i put up plenty of barriers between others and myself and don't really need another reason to put up more.  these walls have caused many hard times in my relationships with girls as well.  i am a frustrating individual.  i know that.  that is why it means SO much when i allow you beyond those walls.  it is quite the risk for me.  it's like a roll of the dice with the rest of your money on the line.  i don't want people to be able to shake my world up, i don't want them to have that power, that control over me.  it scares me to be honest with you.  i only have one heart and would prefer it to stay in one piece for as long as possible.

i always thought that i chose decent girls to date.  in fact i don't just let anyone into my life.  sure i have many female acquaintances but very few who REALLY know me emotionally.  being vulnerable scares me.  so girls, if you ever get beyond my emotional walls it means i truly trust you.

several weeks ago i discovered that my best friend of nine years had slept with my ex-girlfriend (while we were dating).  a friend of mine had told me a few things to watch out for and i denied it and defended my best friend.  because that's what best friends do.  even though this person had a pretty valid point i stuck up for my best friend and said that i would trust him with my life.  because that's what best friends do.  a few weeks had passed and i had this feeling in my stomach.  i just knew something was weird so i asked my ex-girlfriend over chat, and it all came out in the wash.  i confronted my ex-best friend over text (for fear of going to jail for assault if i saw him in person).  sure enough, he admitted to it.  he kept apologizing saying, "it was an addiction that i kicked in july.  i can honestly say i am free from it."  i wasn't aware that betrayal was an addiction.  nine years of my life wasted on someone who would betray me for a few "rounds" with my girlfriend at the time.  not to mention my girlfriend... classy dame she turned out to be.  young and stupid i guess.  ugh.... it sucks because even though we weren't dating i still cared for her as a person.  not so much any more. that's just something i never thought would happen to me.  my girlfriend cheating?  that would never happen to me!  my best friend betraying me?  that would never happen to me!  both of them happening at the same time???? HA!

well thank you ex-best friend and ex-girlfriend for strengthening my emotional barriers THAT much more.  thank you for making it THAT much more difficult for the next girlfriend and friends who have to work even harder to gain my trust.  thank you for showing me that those closest to me can't be trusted at all.

wednesday morning i flew from pittsburgh to chicago and i slept most of the flight.  well, all except for the five minutes i was fighting tears while the thought of losing my best friend this way haunted my mind.  it is not as frequent as it used to be but im not sure it will ever go away.  i've never been so broken as i was that day.  it just hurt.  i am moving on.  i have forgiven both of them but removed them from my life.  i don't care what they are doing these days or for the rest of their lives.  i hope i never see them again and wish we didn't have the same friends.

i truly have lost most of my trust in other people.  sorry if i come off rude or cold.... that's just the way it will be for a while.

thanks, friend... thanks for wasting nine years of my life.

why, Yes!

I am sitting at gate 71 and watching people as they walk by frantically searching for things, kids, restaurants or bathrooms.  SO many people.  i like to watch their faces and see what emotion they are feeling at the moment.  obviously 90% of them are focused, mostly blank stares.  except for the faces on the kids which are almost always glowing with excitement.  as i write this i stopped to watch a little girl frolic down the walkway.  her parents couldn't possibly walk fast enough to their gate.  she can't wait to get on the plane.  i understand that we as adults have much more to worry about when traveling and most of the time it is a troublesome necessity.  i also like to pretend i know exactly what that persons life is like.  mainly by the clothes they wear and how they interact with others.  that lead me to think about how I appear to others by the way i look or interact with others.  i am not the most patient person on the planet.... at all, in fact.  especially when i am delayed due to somebody else's mistakes or incompetence.  i actually go from calm to bomb in .5 seconds.  my face shows it.  my words say it.  i want people to remember me as being a happy guy who was always smiling and didn't sweat the small stuff.  kept his cool.  made the best of each situation.  this kind of reminds me of the movie Yes Man.  where Jim Carrey's character decides to say YES to every question no matter what the consequences may be.  not saying that we should all go do illegal or immoral things just because we were asked, but i think you get the idea.  more of a "go with the flow" kind of attitude.  it almost forces you to be less selfish.  people might begin to think you are reliable and trustworthy.  i am going to start using this word more often than it's opposite.  

put it in your pipe

i am in Blaine, MN waiting for the end of our first session today.  we flew in on saturday and set up on sunday.  after set up we all went to the bar to watch the Lions take down the Buccaneers.  the food there was fantastic.  i ordered a Pot Roast Sandwich that was awesome.  had pot roast, onion, carrot, onion strings and horseradish mayo on a toasted hoagie.  mm... the juices were soaked up in the hoagie and it was delish.  this was a difficult test for me though.  not eating, because i assure you that i do not need any testing for that! :)  but after the meal and because we were enjoying some drinks it was difficult to turn down the offer of a smoke.  it is simply because of the habit of smoking after meals or during drinks and NOT because i have an addiction to it.  i had no problem saying no however i DID step outside for the conversation while my co workers partook of their smokey treats.  it has been 10days since my last cig and i feel pretty good.  Sept. 1 was my goal to stop, however it ended up being the 3rd.  BUT THAT'S OKAY!  it still happened.  with the increase of tobacco tax and the 'amazing health benefits' of smoking i decided to finally put it out.  i also just got tired of waking up congested and feeling like crap.  having to hack my way through the morning and blow my nose every minute.... ugh.  i feel much better.  also i am planning on getting into a regular routine of running.  so obviously the smoking needed to stop.  it's all part of working towards a healthier me.  

small, steady steps and sticking to it wins the race.  i'll see you at the finish line.

...off guard

thoughts collide like bumper cars and slowly burn away.
and when the smoke clears... who are you now?
steal away like thief in night with my emotions in tow.
and when the fuel is gone... where are you now?
cut me down with every word and send me on my way.
and when the blood dries... what are you now?

... funny the way it is

i am currently sitting backstage amongst all my electrical goodies while the people on the other side of the curtain are tinkering with the cars.  i am sitting in a metal folding chair that likes to squeal when it slides on the floor.  i forget this regularly so i actually wrote it on a piece of tape and stuck it to the table right in front of where i sit.  hey, whatever it takes… right?  i have to work with 5 product trainers all day every day.  they are nice people, however the honeymoon phase has come and gone and the claws came out.  they seem to bicker to each other, about each other.  they have cute little nick names for each other and nobody really likes the one given them.  it's almost like a backhanded compliment.  seems nice on the front but there is a sneaky little nugget of "gotchya" tagged on the end.  we are all adults here.  well… supposedly.  

the hotel here in Overland Park, KS is quite nice.  (Towne Place Suites by Marriott)  also helps that the girls who work the front desk are super nice, OH and gorgeous.  the bed in my room is fantastic unlike most hotels, and i have a full kitchen with dishes and two closets.  there are a ton of restaurants and stores in very closet proximity.  i got excited when i first saw the hotel because i saw a park RIGHT BEHIND the hotel.  ends up it is a golf course.  can't go hang out there.  boo…

lately i have been expanding my circle of friends.  i have met some wonderful new people and also rekindled old friendships with a few people i haven't seen in a handful of years.  it is always interesting to catch up with old friends and hear their life experiences.  the 20s are a very interesting time in peoples lives because major decisions are made.

life is funny sometimes.  situations come and go and i can just sit back and laugh at the irony of timing.  when i want things to happen, they don't.  when i finally decide to focus my attention on something else it seems that life FINALLY works out the way it was supposed to….. a little while ago.  too late.  always too late.  i thought that we are supposed to be aggressive and proactive towards things we desire out of life, yet i find it is almost a deterrent for the journey.  as if the more we dig towards our treasure we are really just getting further away from it.  then that one time we finally stop and say, "screw it, im just gunna ride it out"  things seem to just fall into place.  weird.  backwards.  life. 

...drag horse bag

we got to do our presentation at Retama Park in Selma, Texas.  Selma is not known for anything except for the horse racing at Retama Park.  this was my first time at a horse track and i must say, it is pretty neat.  i got to watch the trainers work on the horses around the track every day.  it was also VERY hot.  before i left for texas i had multiple people tell me, "oh don't worry, texas is a dry heat."  ..... funny.  averaging temps of 108 while i was there and humid as can be.  worse than any humidity i've experienced in michigan, ever.  at 6am i walked out of the hotel room and was surprised that it was still dark outside.  and that i was instantly soaked from sweating.  ugh.  walking to the car was annoying.  OH, forgot to mention that the main room of our show was NOT air conditioned.  but don't mind me, i'll just sit over in my little "oven-like" corner amongst the three laptops, one reference monitor and dual audio rack filled with amps and whatnot.  it is easily ten degrees warmer where i have to hang out.  we got it done though.  take the good cities with the bad i guess.  i also got a chance to drive the Chevy Volt on the closed course out in the parking lot.  it handles remarkably well.  pretty good acceleration and comfortable to drive.  it totally blows the Toyota Prius out of the water.  too bad it's 40K, and you can get a standard camero for that price.  

our drive team consists of several professional drivers who judge and enter drifting and racing competitions.  pretty cool stuff if you ask me.  just don't ask the rental cars they choose.  those usually end up on a make-shift drifting track until the tires can't take anymore.  and i mean literally, sometimes i wonder how they even get them back to the airport on the rubberbands that are left on them.

i just bought some new luggage from amazon.  a rolling duffle bag-like piece.  my current one is 10yrs old and starting to come apart.  plus it's always nice to have something new.  a little self spoiling never hurt anyone.  OH YEAH, and i can write it off come tax time.  bitchin.

the last few days that i have been home after san antonio i have been writing some acoustic stuff.  got a few good progressions and ideas for songs.  very excited about them actually.  

i also have been looking into what it would take to become a cop and hopefully later a homicide detective.  i was stuck on the idea that i needed a criminal justice degree before i could even get started.  well, that's not true.  in fact a friend told me that experience is everything and to simply go to academy and get started.  another friend suggested i try to get into the oakland county jail and work there for a few years THEN go to academy.  because they'll pay for it!  sounds good to me.   there's a waiting list.  so.... we'll see.

which brings me to my next point.....  gotta love a good segue.

i have to learn to love running.... this might be the most difficult thing i've ever done.  it is the fastest way to drop weight and tone up.  damn food... tastes so good.

so i'll keep you updated on my progress... if any! :)

if you have any ideas or tips on how to "enjoy" running please let me know.  i REALLY want this to work.  i was also thinking that i need to do video updates once a week posting weight and measurements so that everyone can see the results.  plus the support from all my friends and family would be a fantastic driving force.

tomorrow i fly out to St. Louis, MO.  i'll be staying at a nice hotel and the venue where our presentation will be held is super nice.  i'll update once i get back.  peace.